The “unbearable?” lightness of being
August 14th, 2006 by mitkit.The other night I spent some significant time trying to calm my wandering mind; I was at one of those points when I was feeling quite lonely, even in this world where it is difficult to really be lonely….sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of a large metropolis which is permeating with materialism and the desire for status and power, LA,…and I started thinking about many different things….the words put together by the eloquent wordsorth came into my mind….. “The world is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!” And I started thinking, as people-particularly as Americans in this culture, we like to aim for a goal to go “higher” than that which we are, and as people thus we must expect, at one point to experience vertigo. So, what is vertigo? Is it the fear of falling when we get to that “higher” place? Kundera said, no, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves. Maybe, we shouldn’t aim to that higher place at all then? Maybe instead of reaching, only to find our own emptiness below us, we should look to what is right before us. Are the “burden’s” that bury us really burden’s at all? Or, is it that “unbearable lightness” that we aspire to the real burden, for that is what opens up the emptiness-this is the way I am, circular in my reasoning- part of what is going on is I think it’s finally hitting me, in a little over a month I will really be going, doing something, and I’m not trying to go any “higher”, I’m simply trying to prepare for an experience that is different, that is ambiguous, and I hope that through all of this I don’t lose the childhood innocence and wonderment for all that is good in the world-if anything I feel that this is opening those traits up and pushing them forward in my consciousness…….in any case, all I know is that life is flux, ever-changing; Ghandi, I suppose is right, I should just live as if I will die tomorrow, and learn as if I will live forever.
August 16th, 2006 at 10:43 am
Where are you going?
I think for the most part people don’t strive to “go higher” as you wrote… I think we get caught up pretty easily in the work-consume mode of everyday life, similar to the scene you described in LA. The scary part is never — or not wanting to — pull yourself out of that mode from time to time.
At least for me, PC can provide an opportunity for a person to step back from that lifestyle for a minute (i.e. 2 years) and begin to look at what is important again. At the same time, you are providing needed skills, helping others to access resources or competencies and showing that America is not JUST all about consumerism and materialism. There are people who, underneath the compulsion to fit in to the consumer framework, actually want to help others, want to change poverty, want to do grassroots work here and abroad.
Finally, (and I’m struggling with this) there is the dynamics of why people join PC. There is this dynamic between authentic altruism and “self-improvement” which many volunteers have talked about. Going into PC myself next month, I am beginning to look at this process as something which will ultimately be highly reciprocal in character. But like you have said, this process seems so ambiguous at times that it stirs up fears and anxiety if not existential dread, but of course these things are often accompanied by excitement too!
MM